Why Am I Doing This To Myself?

Wow... I don't know if I should consider myself an absolute idiot right now or not.... Last night, Charles and I were texting. (keep in mind that him and I have hardly talked at all the past two weeks and I think I have seen him once since, just to get the rest of my things from his place) We were talking and I was bored, so we decided to hang out. "No expectations" is what we said to one another. At all. Just hanging out and talking. On the way there I had the most major butterflies I think I have ever experienced. I was excited and terrified all at the same time. I got inside his place and we sat on the couch, started and movie and just began chatting. Like old times. He sat really close to me, almost leaning his body into mine. I could smell him. I could feel the warmth in his body. I felt that spark I've been longing to feel from him. The whole time that we talked and sat, I tried my absolute hardest to not just lean over and kiss those amazing, pink, soft lips of his. They were staring at me, begging to be kissed by me and tasted. 

As the night went on, there was more touching, caressing, rubbing; casual, small flirting. I told him about my blog. (of course didn't give him the name - just told him that I started one) I decided to read him a little bit of my last post since he asked if that would be okay. I started to read out loud the story of how him and I met, as I got closer to the break up portion of the story I stopped, for fear it would be too hard and sorrowful to hear. I looked up from my phone, and saw tears running down his face while his eyes were closed. He looked like he was in such agony and pain. "Charles, I am so so sorry. That was not supposed to make you cry." Of course, thats when I began to cry. I curled up into the side of his arm and we hugged while we shed a few tears, obviously knowing that each tears were full of love and pain. As we pulled away from our hug, we sat there lingering, faces close to each others. "Can I?" he asked me, as he watched me stare at his lips. I nodded yes. He began to lean into the kiss and I couldn't handle it anymore. My face flew forward, lips on his, in the most passionate loving kiss I have ever experienced. The moment our lips touched, he grabbed me tightly and pulled me onto his lap. We sat there in an embrace as we kissed. My hands running through his soft brown hair and his hands grabbing at my hips and legs. Unable to breath from the rush I pulled away, looked into his eyes, and tears immediately began to flow from my eyes. He grabbed me in a hug as he told me "its okay" "I'm sorry" " its okay". -- But it's NOT okay. This is the man that I love. Not LOVED. LOVE. And we were sitting there kissing and it was much for my heart to handle. I sat there sobbing for a few minutes. Of course, as soon as I stopped, we were kissing again. My legs were wrapped around his waste and him sitting on the couch. He stood up with me still wrapped around him and turned around as I set my legs on the couch so that we were just about the same height. " we aren't having sex" I said out loud. My mind was in a whirl. I wanted to so passionately make love to this man. This man I had come to love and care so much about. We stopped, apologized to each other for what had just happened and continued on with our night. The entire time, just stopping mid sentences to grab one another in a kiss. 

The whole night, Charles kept saying "no expectations" which is what I had said in the beginning... So why did it hurt so bad to hear him continually say that to me? I knew there were no expectations. But is it wrong of me to have almost wanted him to try to get me back again? To ask me to come home? I know that even if he asked, and even though I so incredibly painfully want to be there back with him, I knew I would say no. So why was it stinging so much every time he said that sentence out loud?

The hours passed and it began to pour rain outside. With no expectation or any reason to think that anything would come from this night, we agreed I would spend the night. It was dark out, I didn't have my glasses, it was pouring rain, and I was falling asleep. I was so tired. The last two weeks I have not gotten more than 2 hours of sleep a night. I have continually been waking up drenched in sweat having anxiety attacks. This whole experience has been killing me. I love him, I do. I want him. I just know its not the best thing for either of us at this time in each of our lives. 

It was getting close to 3 AM when we finally climbed into bed. We lay there cuddling one another, kissing each other softly every so often. Suddenly he pulled me onto him once again, we began to kiss intently. Hard. Passionate. Loving. Sorrow. Pain. Hurt. Agony. Charles and I made love to one another like our lives depended on it. I have never felt that much love and pain at once than I did in that moment. I didn't want it to end. 

Morning came, and I said goodbye and went home. I knew that there was nothing that would come out of that night, so why am I so sad again? Why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I just move past this? - Oh I know. Because he is the man that I was made for. But, if he were the man I am meant to be with, why can't it be now? Why does life have to continually be so painful and hard?