Started a new job this week.... I have a lot of down time so I decided to start myself a blog. Maybe it will be good for me, to write things down. I have had a lot of shitty experiences in my life. Some good ones too, but mainly shitty. I wont go into detail about my entire life with you right now, as I am sure the more I write and the more you read my blog, you will learn all about it. There's too much to write in just one day. So I guess you will learn about me as I go?
Last week my boyfriend an I broke up. A pretty hard break up to be honest. Which is what I am doing on here; being completely honest. I mean, my blog IS called Confessions of a 21 year Old Girl, is it not? (only lies on here will be names)
Charles Barton. I met him my first year in High School. He played Varsity Baseball for my school as 3rd basemen. We had a Science class together. I remember that day we met entirely too well. I was wearing a white sun dress with my red flats that I borrowed from my sister (without permission of course) and a red short sleeve cardigan. He wore a dark blue v-neck tee-shirt with black shorts, black long socks and some dark gray vans, He was sitting near the back next to someone I did not like. So naturally, I ignored the two of them as they made comments and jokes my way. Finally I turned around and asked them to knock it off. But, as I turned around and made eyes with Charles, I truly noticed how handsome he was.My first real High School crush. After the bell rang, letting our class out for the day. Charles snuck up behind me, stole my cellphone, and took off running down the hallway. I chased him all around the High School hallways, trying to obtain my cellphone. Hello!? That's mine!! Ending up corning him by the cafeteria and courtyard hallway, I demanded he return my phone. "Who is Cody?" Charles asked me, (obviously he had gone through my texts) -Later I found out he wanted to see my phone to ensure I did not have a boyfriend I was texting. Charles and I dated off an on- well, I wouldn't say dated, more like hooked up. Through out the last five years, from High School to now, Charles and I continued to be friends and keep in contact. Last year, February 23rd, Charles and I went on our first official date, starting something beautiful. Charles became by best friend. He helped me through some tough times I have experienced in his life, and I tried to help him through his... The longer Charles and I dated, the more resentful, bitter and angry he became, Not because of me so get that out of all of your heads..... He has been through SOO much it's insane. Charles needs help. I don't know how else I can say it. He has so much hidden deep inside and so much built up from everything he has experienced in his life. I personally think he has a mental disorder like: bipolar, depression, anger management, PTSD, something like that. I asked him to get help and to go see someone for it, bu the wont. We have had this same argument and discussion for nearly 5 months. I can't continue to be his target when he is mad or upset. He takes his stress and anger out on me. I'm the one on the other end of it all. His emotional rampage and beatings. His personality changes so quickly with me and I can't do it anymore. I love and care about him with all my heart, But I can't anymore... I need to look after my own well being before my own PTSD comes back from how he is acting.
I just can't believe I am this sad and I am only 21. I never get a break it seems. Diabetes, Celiac Disease, a Heart Defect, my dad passing away, married someone who abused and raped me, got a divorce. Then I start to date Charles again.... my High School crush. I think my life is finally turning around for me. But no. Just as things seem to get better I am laying there with my face in the dirt again. When will it end for me? When will I get to be happy?
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