To my daddy..

I got this Lighthouse Bracelet from Alex 

and Ani last night. The money for getting 

this bracelet goes towards a charity for 

Leukemia and Lymphoma. I got this 

bracelet to remember my daddy who died

 from Lymphoma cancer. 

To my daddy..

Your battle is now over, no more tears flowing down your cheek.

No more pain, no more suffering, now you are no longer weak.

I still do not understand why this had to happen to you,

but I am proud to say you are my dad, the greatest man I knew.

Although you will not be here to walk me down the aisle,

when that day comes I know you will be by my side with a smile.

You were always there for me and never once made me cry,

until the day you closed your eyes and had to say goodbye.

No you are my Angel, so spread your wings out wide

please wrap them around me whenever you see me cry.

Our time together was memorable and God took you way too fast.

But the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath,

and me being there for your last..

I love you daddy. And I miss you like crazy. I think about you every second of everyday. Wish you were still here.

Love you.... Ali Gali.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact your attitude has on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It's more important than the past, the education, the money.. More important than circumstances, failure, success.. More than what other people think or say or do.. It is more important than appearance, gifted-ness or skill. It can make or break a family... a friendship... a life. But the remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I'm convinced that life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we will react to it... We are in charge of our own attitudes.

Wise Words From A Wise Friend

"Breathe. You're going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you've been in this place before. You've been this uncomfortable and nervous and scared. And you've survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can't break you. They're painful and debilitating but you can sit with them and they'll pass maybe not immediately but sometime soon they are going to fade and you'll look back at this moment and laugh for doubting your resilience and you're so young. You will find love with someone who deserves it.  I know it feels unbearable right now but keep breathing again and again and it will pass.

Just do something different. Find yourself without anyone.

It's not meant to be and you broke up for a reason. You're just scared and alone so you feel like you want him but you don't, you want to be happy. And give it time more opportunities will come to you left and right
But if you go back to what was making you unhappy in the first place then you're going to just be stuck there."

How Do I Move On?

It's been almost 3 weeks since Charles and I broke up.. Isn't it supposed to be easier after this much time? Aren't I supposed to start feeling something other than pain and heartache? I spent a year living with him. A whole fucking year of seeing him every  single day. Sleeping with him by my side, Laughing, giggling, touching, just being us. I literally feel broken. I feel lost. And to be honest, this feels harder than losing my dad and my abusive marriage combined. And I have no idea why. Everyone says, "Its just a guy. Just a relationship. There are more guys out there." -So what? He is the one I want. So why can't I be with him? I love him. It's as simple as that. My last post seems to contradict this one. I get that. So sue me. I'm just spilling my feelings here. That's all I am doing. And right now my feelings are pain, hurt, sorrow, alone, confused, mistaken. No feelings of happiness. I feel dark, and alone. 

Accept Yourself

I've been through hell and back in my life. It's about time I don't care about what anyone thinks of me. Never be ashamed of who you are. You have to accept that not everyone is going to love you back. That's why it is important that you love yourself. It's not about being what everyone else wants you to be. It's about being yourself whole-heartedly. If you accept and are comfortable with who you are, no one can use your flaws against you. So don't change to please someone. Be simple. Be original. Be unique in your own simple way.

That Day Will Come... Just Not Today.

I am a firm believer in true love. I do believe that there is someone out there for me who will eventually sweep me off my feet and make me wonder why I ever settled for anybody else. There is a man out there for me who I will celebrate countless anniversaries, Valentines Days' and Birthdays with. There is a man who I will be able to get through any fight, long distance, or hardship with and know that nothing will ever change. There is a man out there who I will share an unbreakable bond with held together by the deep desires of love.

But, not today. 

I don't want someone who I "won't be able to imagine my life without." I don't want someone to "have my whole heart". I don't want someone to be "my whole world", or "my rock", or "my better half". I don't want someone who can understand me better than I can understand myself. 

I want to feel whole. I want to be my own rock, my own anchor, my own soul-mate. I want to understand myself better than anyone else can. i don't want to look back and hate myself for altering my future for someone else when I know I wasn't ready to. 

That's why I don't want to find the man I will love forever today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. 

For those who know my, you know that when I fall, I fall fast, and I fall hard. I am a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve. I simply love the idea of being in love. I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't have some type of interest in a guy. I love having a "texting buddy", I love feeling desired. I have gotten hurt a few times, but I always pick myself up and try to move on. But moving on is hard for me, simply because I love being in love. I've called guys "my better half, or "my rock". I've convinced myself that I can't picture my life without them. I'm starting to realize now, how that's the last thing I want in my future relationship(s). Especially as a young women in my early 20's. Before i enter into any serious relationship, I need to feel like I'm complete. And I need to be able to feel complete, while completely alone. 

I have dreams. I have plans that only involve myself. I'm at a pivotal point in my life where I get to decide where I go from here. I can travel, move across the country, and make stupid spontaneous decisions, just because I can. As of right now, there is nothing holding me back from where I want to take my life - well, having a bit more money would be nice, but, I'll figure that one out eventually. I don't want to find my true love yet. I'm not ready to settle and I'm not ready to alter my personal plans for someone else. The only thing that I am ready for is to discover where my life takes me. I'm ready to move across the country. I'm ready to make new and beautiful memories with people that I'll meet along the way. But, I am simply not ready to fall in love again. 

I want to imagine my own life. I want to be able to navigate through life's exciting opportunities and devastating disappointments independently, and if and when a guy decides he wants to join me, I'll still be able to have a piece of mind that I can do it alone. I will be able to imagine my life without him, because at that point I have already done it alone. 

I'm 21. I have too many stupid decisions to make before I decide my fate. I have the rest of my life to find the guy who gives love a whole new meaning for me.

That day will come. Just not today. 

Do You Believe In Fairy-Tales?

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy-tales? 

That fantasy of what your life would be: white dress, prince charming; who would carry you away to a big castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. -Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But, eventually you grow up. 

One day you open your eyes and the fairy-tale disappears. 

Most people turn to the things and the people that they can trust. But the thing is... It's hard to let go of that fairy-tale entirely- because most people have that tiny bit of hope and faith that one day, they will open their eyes and it will all come true.